Sir,
With due respect and humility, I write you this letter which I believe you would be of great assistance and a partner. I got your address through a commercial address book and believe that you must be a trust worthy and reliable person that will not like to intimidate me or betray my trust after hearing this proposal. I am MR. REX EKEH a Togolese working here in Nigeria as Director of Finance/Operation ECO BANK. I have served the Bank for over 15 years and contributed to the expansion of the Bank which presently have two hundred and sixty branches in West Africa, with
Nigeria as the sub-regional Headquarters to oversee the activities in the sub-region. Over the years there is this funds which belong to Late DR. PAUL SANTOS a foreigner who deposited the money in 1997 at the Togo branch of the bank under my supervision then as the Account Officer to the account before he died in a plane crash of 1999 in Kenya. Since after his death I have tried to locate any> possible relations to come over and claim the US $18.7M, but all to no avail as there was no next of kin to the account. And as the Account Officer to the account, I have over the years managed to run and cover the account accordingly. Recently, I have documented Papers of Claims and submitted same to the Bank demanding the funds to be transferred abroad to SANTOS and Partners. But this I can only succeed with the assistance of a neutral friend abroad as there must be someone honest abroad to exchange correspondences before the funds can be transferred successfully. That is why I am soliciting your assistance to enable me transfer the sum of US$15.7M into your account. All I need from you now is to apply with your name claiming that you are DR. PAUL SANTOS's Associates. And that you would want the Bank to transfer the sum of US$15.7M from the account to your account for the new project of building a Shopping Plaza in your country as agreed and resolved by all parties involve in the project. For your involvement, I will give you 25% of the funds, 5% for expenses that may arise in the cause of this transaction because you will agree with me that there is no way we will transfer such amount of money without making some expenses. While 70% is for me
and some staff I have to settle. NB: There is no risk involved as I am personally taking care of every documentation to the transaction. I am awaiting your urgent response to this matter in my email
Thanks for your understanding
Rex Ekeh
The Cox Foundation
est.1872
Dear Sir,
Sir Dicky Cox BSe. VD(Hons) has instructed me to convey his thanks to you for extending the offer of the possibility of a mutually beneficial business arrangement.
Sir Dicky would welcome further details of what is required, and projected profit forecasts for the venture. It is the considered opinion of Sir Dicky that charitable works such as your project need people like the board of directors of the Cox Foundation to get behind them, apply some fiscal lubricant and thrust forward into these exciting and largely unexplored areas, spending our substantial wads.
Please forward further details,
Yours sincerely,
Mr A Bellos-Endos
Secretary to Sir Dicky Cox
c/o The Cox Foundation
69 Cottager's Parade
Thrutching-On-The-Lavvy
Felcheshire
ENGLAND
HI
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your message and i confirm to you that my story is true because as iam writing to you now the fund has been moved to Europe to be spacefic the fund is right away now in Italian central bank in foreign reserve account so if you are ready i can pass to you the whole info and the cntact person so that you can contact him and agree on modalities how you can move the fund into your account but you must confirm to me that you have where you can invest our own share for good interestment thanks till i hear from you and you can reach me on please forward yours too Rex
The Cox Foundation
Est. 1872
Dear Mr Ekeh,
Sir Dicky Cox BSe. VD(Hons) was delighted to receive such a prompt reply. Sir Dicky has asked me to thank you for reassuring him that your story was indeed a truthful one, and wants you to know that the Cox Foundation considers integrity and honesty to be the cornerstones of any business relationship.
I have been asked by Sir Dicky to act as liaison between the two parties.
This will maximise the confidentiality of our transactions, and provide an avenue of plausible deniability should the operation go tits up. I am Mr A Bellos-Endos, Sir Dicky's personal assistant.
Before we agree on modalities, we need you to provide an intermediary and accompanying references as to their good character. Please understand that this is not intended to cast doubt on your good name, but as there are large sums of money involved, we need to be sure that everything is being done professionally to the standards laid down by the Cox Foundation
Yours in business,
Mr A Bellos-Endos
The Cox Foundation
est.1872
Dear Sir,
On behalf of Sir Dicky Cox BSe. VD(Hons)
I am Mr A Bellos-Endos of the Cox Foundation, and would like to propose an alternative arrangement to the 'official' Cox Foundation offer.
As a God fearing Christian I feel I must alert you to the possibility that Sir Dicky Cox may try to obtain a larger percentage of the money you have available, possibly by deception. He has lied and cheated on many occasions to obtain other people's money, often from needy people like yourself.
If you felt able to pay me a small percentage of the profits from your arrangements with the Cox Foundation (say 5%) I would be willing to manipulate Cox for our mutual pleasure.
Think about it,
Mr A Bellos-Endos
The Cox Foundation
Best-Lilhore House
69 Cottager's Parade
Thrutching-On-The-Lavvy
Felcheshire
ENGLAND
Dear Bellos
I, so much appreciate your effort towards this project and i will not hestate to agree to your proposal i mean the 5% to you to crown your effort but will want you to do me a favour to arrange for me where you can invest my share at the end of this transaction also i will appeciate if you can make this deal to be a conclude one by next week at worst, i can be reached on 234- 807168565 my direct line Thanks Rex
The Cox Foundation
Est. 1872
Dear Rex,
I think this is going to work out great for both of us, I shall start work on the investment plan immediately. I have also come up with a great idea! We could do this whole thing without Sir Dicky! He is a greedy bastard, and has very racist opinions, he drinks a lot and I don't think he will be able to keep this thing confidential. I also think he likes to have sex with other men, as I have seen some magazines he has hidden in his office. If I let him know that I know about his chutney-ferreting, I will have Cox in my grip and will force a pull out. Then, I can have the 25% he was getting, and you can keep the 5% you were going to give me, and Sir Dicky will never know it ever happened.
Let me know what you think, as if it is OK with you, I will be pulling Cox over his gay pornography tomorrow morning
A. Bellos-Endos
HI
IT IS GOOD HEARING FROM YOU SOUNDING COOL AND BRINGING NICE IDEARS ALSO IAM HAPPY TO SAY ALL ARE OK BY ME SO KEEP IT UP BUT I WILL NOT LIKE IT IF YOU DID NOT SEND TO ME IN YOUR NEXT MAIL YOUR PHONE NUMBER INCLUDING AREA AND COUNTRY CODE AS I WILL LIKE TO TALK WITH YOU
THANKS
REX
The Cox Foundation
Est.1872
Dear Rex,
I am pleased to be able to tell you that everything went exactly as I had hoped. Operation "Cut Off Cox" has been accomplished. It was very easy. I put a selection of pornography on his desk, Dicky rose immediately, purple headed and about to erupt, and then played into my hands, wilted and flopped back down, exhausted.
He is out of the picture and I have the Cox Firm in my grasp.
I am forcing Cox into a box with this gay porn, and his withdrawal from your opening has been achieved safely
To clarify, you are now dealing 100% directly with me, Mr A. Bellos-Endos, and NOT Sir Dicky Cox
Before I forward the investment plan I have devised to make our money work for us, could you please provide confirmation that I, Mr A. Bellos-Endos, am the only partner you have taken in hand for this, and that I, Mr A. Bellos-Endos will receive the 25% fee as originally for Cox
Kind regards,
Mr A. Bellos-Endos
DEAR BELLOS
I, CONFIRM THE 25% THAT WAS FORMALY GIVEN TO COX IS HERE BY YOURS MR BELLOS A ENDOS AFTER I RECEVE
MY EALIER REQUESTED PHONE NUMBERS INCLUDING COUNTRY AND AEREA CODES THANKS REX
Dear Rex,
Thank you for acting so swiftly with regards to my request, I hope you don't think I was being rude, it's just that having been exposed to Cox on a daily basis for over 10 years, knowing how devious he could be, I just wanted to be sure I wasn't missing something.
With regard to the phone number you want, I have not yet sent you the number as I am concerned about who might be listening. I think you should have a look at this: http://www.zen18739.zen.co.uk/phonesec.html worrying stuff eh? Sir Dicky might also be monitoring my phone and the last thing we want is for the sighs of Cox to become a factor in our intercourse.
How else can we do this without phones? Any ideas? Let me know as soon as you possibly can, I think we need to get this done as quickly as we can.
Mr A. Bellos-Endos
P.S. It's a minor point, but you have been starting your replies 'Dear Bellos', but that is just the first half of my surname. My first name begins with 'A' but it is embarrassing so I never use it except as an initial. I would be grateful if you could address me as Mr Bellos-Endos, or, as I feel I know you quite well now, it would be even better if you called me by the same name as my friends do, the affectionate term "Bellend"
Thanks, and don't delay! Time is of great importance.
All my love,
Bellend
DEAR BELLEND
I THINK IAM BEEN ASKED TO DROP THIS TRANSACTION BY YOU CONSTANT REFUSING TO PART WITH YOUR PHONE
NUMBERS AS I CAN NOT DO THIS TYPE OF DEAL WITHOUT SPEAKING WITH YOU ON PHONE THANKS REX
Dear Rex,
What the hell are you on about? What do you mean by " CONSTANT REFUSING TO PART WITH YOUR PHONE"? for goodness sake! Have you any idea of the scale of what I have done to set this thing up? At night I can't sleep, I just keep tossing around, with images of Cox thrusting into my head.
Let's sort this out. Firstly, let's stop pretending that this deal is completely legal.. I am not a fool, you must be having problems getting the money or you wouldn't have had to come to us for help, and you wouldn't be willing to pay out 20% of it if you could just do this through one of the two hundred and sixty branches of ECOBANK in West Africa that you told me you were the Director of Finance/Operation for.
I don't need to know why this is, and I couldn't care less if it is legal or not as long as it makes me rich, but I do know that something this big needs to be kept as secret as possible. If anyone finds out what is going on, then they could run to the authorities or just blackmail us into paying them some of our money.
25% of US$15.7M is almost US$4 million, and I'd do anything, legal or not. For that much money, I'd even suck off a dog.
If we start talking about this on a telephone then we may as well put up great big signs in our front gardens saying "We are stealing millions of dollars, please do not tell anyone"
I don't want you to think I am being rude, I am just trying to be as careful as possible, and was asking you if you could think of a more secure way we could communicate.
Now is this deal on or off? Let me know.
Bellend
Subject: Re: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE VERY URGENT
HI
THE DEAL IS OFF WITHOUT PHONE GOOD LUCK
REX
Rex,
I should have a secure line on which you can phone me activated within 24 hours.
Assuming this is still going ahead, here is the proposed investment portfolio I have put together. If you have any suggestions, it will be easy to tweak
(approximate percentages)
10% High-Yield Fluid Ejaculates
10 % Amalgamated Jap-Scat Residuals
75% speculated on stocks & shares in the following
The Wanconna Biscuit Company
Hans Niessanbumpsadaisy Haulage (UK)
Whale Oil Beef Hooked plc
Nederlandischer Mountaineering S.A
The Rhamziz Mannschaft-Upham Corporation
5% should remain as cash, Euros and $ (US)
This provides a good yield-risk balance that should accrue 15% per annum
Let me know as soon as you can if this is ok, and I’ll get my stockbrokers, the esteemed firm of Tagnut Winnit & Dangleberry to act on our behalf
Regards
Bellend
Dear Rex,
I have not heard back from you. I take it this to mean you are backing down from our agreement. All because I have the sense to realise that if we talk on an international telephone line our conversation is automatically monitored by the intelligence agencies of the following countries, using the ultra sophisticated ECHELON listening system
United States National Security Agency (NSA)
United Kingdom Government Communications Headquarters (GCHQ)
Canada Communications Security Establishment (CSE)
Australia Defense Signals Directorate (DSD)
You may be a big fish in a small pond over there in Africa, but if you start swimming out of territorial waters, you will quickly meet some very big fish indeed, huge fish that seem to know your little fish plans, and they will eat you for big fish breakfast and shit you out of their big fish ringpieces in a long stringy big fish poo for lunch.
Regards,
I'll come and visit if you end up in small fish prison
THIS EMAIL WAS SENT BY TO REX AND BELLEND
Sir,
The Echelon monitoring system for your area has picked up information that leads us to believe you are currently engaged in activities contravening article 419 of the Nigerian Penal Code.
Furthermore, the system has notified us that you are engaged in an inappropriate homosexual relationship with a certain Mr Anchovy Bellos-Endos, who is wanted in several countries for crimes of a sexual nature. Crimes involving chickens.
Owng to the large number of such cases, we are operating a "cease and desist" policy for first time offenders, whereby this warning, hereby given henceforth and heretowith, demands that you cease immediately the activities logged above.
Furthermore, should subsequent similar activities be drawn to our notice, you will be immediately sanctioned for liquidation by forcible insertion of oversized dimensions.
Please address any queries regarding this communique to the attache at your nearest US Embassy.
Echelon Taskforce #13.23 Sgt.Swollenscrote presiding.
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From: "Rex Ekeh " <>
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Rex,
Can you please explain to me what the fuck this fucking fucker's fuckerry is about?
(The above email was included at the foot of this one)
I hope it's your idea of a joke
I, however, find it as amusing as putting my cock in a crocodile's mouth and twatting it on the head with a hammer
Bellend
It's looking like it's all over now, but one more won't hurt....
Rex,
I have just spent the evening so far being interviewed by agents from the Police E-crime (Nigeria) Investigation Squad (P.E.N.I.S.)
P.E.N.I.S. forcibly entered my inner sanctum via the back passage at 3.00pm this afternoon, and after making a revolting mess, withdrew.
My sources tell me that you have been probed by P.E.N.I.S. on more than one occasion, and I am beginning to think that you are 'in bed' with some of the top P.E.N.I.S. operatives in Nigeria.
Any attempt by yourself to smear me with P.E.N.I.S. will result in a discharge for myself, a discharge that will leave an unpleasant stain on your reputation, and maybe even your trousers.
Bellend (Head of Cox)